Nothing Lasts

A star has fallen.

He left few days ago.

She is leaving in 2 weeks’ time.

I am leaving in less than a month.

“Cause in my mind, nothing lasts…” From a song I have been listening recently…

A high school junior of mine just passed away few weeks ago due to cancer. He used to represent our school, district, state for Chinese Martial Arts competitions. I came across his posts in Facebook one day, knowing he was suffering and finally not anymore. He has been surrounded by his loving family, friends and devoted girlfriend till his last breath. Let’s send prayers to him and his family. May he rest in peace and free from all the pain. God will comfort his family during this sad and difficult time.

Few colleagues of mine are leaving and soon would be mine too. I have finally decided on farewell gifts and messages. Something I find meaningful and permanent. One month ago, I started prepping myself before all the crying, bidding goodbyes, leaving a place with many familiar faces. Adulting huh… I am a person who is emotionally invested. It might take me awhile to adjust from missing them even more everyday. So yeah…

I called my parents early in the morning today. I will be missing father’s day this year again, so I bought them some tonic and supplements. I love how my parents occupy themselves experimenting new dishes, pastries at home. We learn to make new dishes during lockdown, so that we can cook for you when you are back someday, they said. Actually, I am doing the same thing in Singapore, exploring new recipes, so that I can return the favor when I am back home someday.

My little brother finally graduated from university. A burden off my parents’ shoulders. One of the greatest gifts for Father’s Day, my dad said. Upon calling my dad, I noticed he got older, for a moment, my heart ached a little. I sometimes question myself for being able to work overseas, but leaving my parents behind. Am I doing the right thing now? Will I regret in future that I did not spend enough time with them? It makes me ponder sometimes to quit everything and go back to my parents’ arms…

The other day, my friend asked me have I ever wonder a day without them (my parents) in future… My eyes were already filling with tears before I can speak a word. A deadlock I had no courage to think of, that this day may come. I am not sure I can “survive” without them one day especially if I am still single. I would be all alone by myself, nobody else to call when I have bad days, no one to share when I have good news. I might lose the purpose to live, I feel. Idk. I guess it’s the time of month.

How I wish I can ask my parents to join me staying overseas or just frequent visits, so that I am able to see them, timely update them all the events I have. I am still working hard for it. A main goal I would want to achieve, even if I am married one day. So that, they can see me often, feed us with good food and shower their grandchildren with love.

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.

W. Somerset Maugham

Busier Than Ever

Finally back to work after a short break. And yes, I am done and dusted with 1st module assignment. Self declared semester break, woohoo!! I am secretly planning for another staycation to reward myself already. 🙂

Apparently, quite a number of people know I will be transferring to new team in less than 2 months. I was not ready to share the news, not this fast. I didn’t expect it as I initially wanted to share the news maybe like less than 2 weeks before I leave. But oh well…

Nevertheless I have been receiving encouraging words from fellow colleagues and supervisors. Many of them are sad that I am leaving, but happy for my career prospect. Some offers to meet up for lunch (I will be stationing at new office); some even says keep in touch, stay safe and wish me all the best. I am touched to be honest, despite we might have disagreement at times due to different job functions, I am glad that all ends well. I make friends, and learn a lot.

Nowadays, I am busy conducting training whilst clearing few projects on hand. Doing some handovers, and prepping myself before joining new team! I have been staying overtime but I am thankful that my company allows us to take cab to and fro from office. I am able to rest in the car, power nap sometimes. No need to rush for work, worry about missing trains. I was rushing assignment after work hours earlier this week. Basically, my routine was just work, study and sleep this entire week. Nothing much but definitely energy draining.

Wanted to take few days leaves before stepping into new phase. But there are 3 more people leaving my current team soon, high turnover heh. I try to stay helpful by guiding my cover as much as possible. I once survived by myself before the person I took over left in 8 days. Learnt nothing much but those ignorant attitude from her. I don’t want her (my cover) to encounter the same event I had. It was so rough that I used to cried so much at home or work. To the extent, I wanted to quit my job so badly, even within probation. She has been struggling but I am glad that she asks a lot of questions, so that I am able to clarify or give comments if need.

Singapore Phase 2 lockdown is ending next week, and I seriously can’t wait for it! I miss dining in in those fancy restaurants, eating hot cooked food unlike takeaway food now, unless I cook at home. Cooking is fun but washing dishes is meh for me. I always hate doing dishes, that’s why I usually cook simple food. I don’t mind cooking crème de la crème dishes if someone offers to do the dishes, kidding!

Next week will be war again, but as usual, always hope for the best. Maybe I can read some books, get some meditation and have jujube tea break. And now, where should I stay for coming weekends heh….

Bullet Journal: Mid Year Review

What I’m Proud of:

  • Completing my reading goal (one book per month at least)
  • Successful internal transfer attempt
  • Gold award nomination (can’t wait for the results!)
  • Writing weekly journal consistently
  • Blood & monetary donation
  • Pursue advanced certificate in regulatory compliance

Favorite Memories:

  • Oyster Shucking workshop (with wine pairing)
  • Chinese New Year gathering (and red packets hehe)
  • Cha Cha lessons
  • Good Italian food (le favorite cuisine)
  • Staycation

Things I Can Improve:

  • Cutting down on social media
  • Less procrastination
  • Express more with words
  • Eat clean x more exercise hmm (I blame Foodpanda and lockdown, kidding!)
  • Go green, less plastics

Experience to look forward:

  • Axe throwing
  • Cruise vacation
  • Shift house (I always wanted a space where I can cook freely)
  • Rock Climbing/ wakeboarding (either is fine)

Few more days to June, I hope everyone is safe and well in the midst of pandemic. It’s tough but I am sure we can make it through.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Can I just say I aced the interview, hehe! Yup, I got the job. Everything happened in blink of an eye. I was preparing Q&A and rehearsing role play at home last weekends, and here I am, changing team in 2 months’ time. Well, everything I prepared was not really in use during the interview, it was more like pop quizzes, but I made it. I told myself, it’s a show hand. A go big or go home moment.

It’s all about “showing” what I learnt in 3 years working in the bank, “selling” myself during the interview. Had video call with both assistant vice president and senior vice president. It was a total different game as compared to the interview I had 3 years ago, but I got to answer all questions smoothly.

To be honest, I was quite shocked cause never had I thought I can perform well. I don’t think I am able to ace it if I have not had enough experience I would say. My new job actually requires me to have 3-4 years of relevant experience, and the advanced certificate I am studying right now actually serves much brownie point too! I brought up past experience as well as skills I have, to be able to excel in the job; some room of improvements where I am lacking. I am quite open in knowing my weaknesses and happy to work on them.

I will be on leave till next month, so I guess that’s why HR decided to have a quick call with me to check in if I have any concerns after hearing expectations from both VPs. Everything is within my expectations actually, I told her, given I have done some research beforehand. After HR interview yesterday, we are glad to proceed for this internal transfer application. What a good news before my Kit Kat break (I mean my study break) !

What I learnt in work places over the past 5 years is the main reason in molding me for who I am now. Having to work in events firm, I got to learn communication skills in writing emails, getting buy-in from bosses and so. Working in a bank, I learnt a lot of interpersonal skills, crisis management skills as well as presentation skills. I am able to liaise with executives, peers and cross teams at ease.

It’s about time to make a move, moving closer towards my dream. I feel so powerful honestly, knowing what I want to achieve. I have no fear I feel, like there’s nothing gonna stop me despite any challenges. I will never give up, and continue to press through if I failed this interview, I thought. True enough, my wish comes true.

Till date, I am not feeling that excited about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for the outcome. I just don’t wanna get high hopes but taking baby steps to achieve what I want. I often get too excited or too upset when something happened, used to. It hurts so bad if I can’t get something I want; on the contrary, I will feel the ego in me when I get something I thought I deserve.

Nevertheless, cross out another item from my resolutions this year! Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

Ps. Congratulations to me !! No one knows about this news yet aside my family. So shush !!

A Little Bit of This And That

Guess what?! I got an interview! I was so excited and kinda nervous at the same time. Well, I would say more joy than being anxious definitely. I feel like I am one step closer to my dream! 🙂

I was scrolling my mailbox the other day, and got this email notification an hour before I left for the day- saying I am scheduled for an interview next week ! I couldn’t believe it cause it came when I least expected it. It’s a long weekend this week due to Raya (Malay’s New Year). I am supposed to work on my assignment, ugh the 2500 words essay which I have long way to go. It’s the perfect timing to prepare my interview questions, I thought.

God knows best!

It has been a while since I did preparation for an interview. Did some research, relook at what I have done for the past few years, scribble and more scribble… I don’t wanna take things for granted, I am going big or going home, I told myself. Okay, let’s just say I am longing for this job opportunity for quite awhile, so I want to make it happen!

I penned down some Q&A, rehearsed them, and even asked my best friend for help! She was very helpful that she actually asked me to forward her my Q&A, so that she could give some comments. She reverted me close to 2am…. I did some changes right after I woke up today, before having breakfast, ha! Start rehearsing already…

I cooked over the weekends as Govt just announced a mini lockdown here in Singapore. No more dine-in, classes cancelled (my Cha Cha class 😦 ) etc. But oh well, since I am an introvert, just in time to finish few books that I bought earlier, I guess.

May is a busy month, I was busy helping my little brother with his job hunting. Asking around if there is any job opportunities, cause Covid-19 has been a bitch and many people out there have actually lost their jobs. I am grateful that I am still holding on (my job, a roof over head). Guided him to get some resume photoshoot, and tap on few job portals for more information. Whereas me, more on assignment and internal transfer preparation…

Anything worthwhile is never easy. Not to mention, I just rejected an offer from my ex team lead. He asked me if I would like to join his team again, grooming me to be his successor in office. He is one of the main reasons why I am working in banking sector. He is a daddy figure at work, used to, even though he is just 12 years older than myself. After much consideration, I turned it down. He respected my decision, understand I am working on my career goals too. I thanked him for taking me into consideration, and wish him all the best in finding suitable candidates.

Fast forward, it is coming to an end this week. I am so looking forward for the day I have my interview. I am no longer a newbie, all I need to do is to have faith in myself. I front executives in meetings and projects, I am prepared with those rehearsals. I know I can make it ! Let’s do this! Good luck, me! ✽


Never stop believing, she said

Never settle for less, she said

Never chase after guys, she said

Strive for financial independence instead

Work hard for your passion instead

Love yourself more instead

She taught me girls are no less than boys. We can chase dreams, drive success and feel strong. To be a warrior instead of delicate princess. I am who I am today.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers in the world, and of course my Mama!

Unexpected Conversations with Gorgeous Souls

I was in kinda bad shape earlier despite trying hard to be okay, so He decided to send people to me. Few friends of mine were checking in on me at the same time. God knows why. I knew I was struggling but I thought well, time heals everything right. And I lied by telling my parents I am doing fine at work, in life, with studies. White lies huh. I never wanted my parents to worry about me. I was trying to cope, finding balance.


J texted me another day when I was heading for Cha Cha class. It has been a while since we last chatted, so he asked me how have I been lately. I am working hard in the day, catching up with assignments during weekends and back to my dance class recently, I said. He shared his new job in Grant Thornton, doing finance advisory consulting right now. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier for him when he told me the news. He was pursuing professional papers after quitting his previous job. I never expected anything from him, especially after so long. I recalled when he told me he start dating a girl out of nowhere. I laughed on the inside. We talked about travelling again etc. I must say he is a pretty good tour guide. Had a pleasant experience when I was in UK. Told him few places that I would wish to go, and he did all the planning when I visited him few years back.

“Thanks for checking in because I would never take initiatives to check in or ask around despite I very much want to hear from you….” I mean it.

“Happy to do so! Really glad to hear you are doing well over there!” he reassured.

I must be someone he matters whom he wanted to share news with, I thought. Well, he doesn’t need to do it if he doesn’t feel like it right. But, I am glad he did. He is one of those friends whom I might not keep in contact often, but someone I really treasure a lot.


All begins when I knew V was staying up late to study for her actuarial paper the next day. Told her to get some rest after revision. Brain works better if it gets its rest too, I said. She told me it is an open book test. We had couple of calls recently, sharing about our work and concern. She is a smart girl, I never worried about her. Shared my blog with her about long distance friendships, dedicating to our friendships. Pretty much how I felt inside deeply but never be able to put them in words, verbally I mean. It is just physical distance, who cares. You are always in a special place deep down in heart, more precious than W (her boyfriend), she said. I burst out laughing. What I remember the most was when I told her I was in bad struggles earlier, and I felt like a loser.

“Hey, talk to me whenever you need to, okay. Just call me, I will be there for you.” She means it.

I felt so relieved when I knew I can lean on someone at times. Times when I feel vulnerable. Power of love I guess, love of friendships. She is one of those friends who works so hard that motivate you not to fall behind. She never take things for granted even though she is smart. She inspires me to be a better person myself.

She wrote me an e-book during last birthday. A book about me.

“I probably have not told you this, but one thing I want you to always know is you are always truthful to yourself and friends. Keep it up and there it molds the real you!”

To think again, I never asked her how she feels about me being in 13 years of friendships. It really caught me off guard when she told me how precious I am being her friend. Always a special place in her heart.


Let’s meet up, Y texted. I thought he wanna share about his new job or just a quick catch up before he leaves his current job. Sure, why not? Let’s call E (another friend) for dinner too, it has been awhile since we trio met up for dinners. We usually meet for karaoke other than meals. E couldn’t meet that day, so I suggested to postpone for other day.

“Actually I was worried about you. We can still have dinner without E if you are okay…” What did he know?

I stop sharing my blogs in social media ever since I change from using Blogspot to WordPress. I used to share how I feel using words to the world; but now I just want to pen down my deepest thought writing out loud regardless anyone would see it. I used to write positive or neutral stuff. But hey, aren’t we human have both positive and negative moment at times too? So, I decided to start writing journals every week. Anything that happens around me, good or bad. And I am glad I did.

Writing journals reflects my behaviors and thoughts when something happened.

“Hey, you know, I read your blogs. Hmm, I knew something happened, you can share if you want to….” he murmured.

I told him about it. I am quite open if you ask me, but I am definitely not someone who walks to people when I am suffering. Probably crying to sleep at most nights, then recover, that’s about it. We talked a lot, something he might not know or I might not be aware of… I love meaningful conversation.

I always ask people out to have fun, to gather with the condition of I am doing fine and emotionally stable. I never wanted people to see vulnerable side of me.

“You can ask me out if you want to, not necessary to share only happy stuff…”

I smiled.

Never had I thought that I actually mean so much to my friends, of course vice versa. We encourage each other during good times, have each other back during bad times. Despite being miles away, not keeping in touch often, I guess there’s some things never change.

What more could one ask for.

Long Distance Friendships

Came across a question on school’s confession page where one posted:

“I’d like to ask if my life is normal. I have friends in school and work. During my school days or workdays, I talked with them, hanged out with them. But after I finish school, we don’t contact each other, not even once a month. Maybe a few times a year. I always feel that they are more friendly towards others than me by looking at how often they contact each other or their interactions online. Is a few times a year completely normal or do I have to give more time for my social life? How often do you contact with your friends and how are your feelings towards them?”

Having to live in Singapore for 10 years, that’s basically that many years I am having long distance with my best friends in home country. And still counting… I left for further studies after completing high school. We don’t chat often, but we definitely meet up whenever I return home. Endless conversation in coffee shop. We make it a point to travel at least once a year. We kept the promise until last year, when Covid-19 hit.

I never felt awkward despite only meeting them few times a year. We treasure the moment together. They insisted to do the driving (I sucks at driving), to plan gatherings (BBQ or steamboat sessions). I love how we never lost emotional connections since high school, but getting stronger, bond I mean. We are young and working hard for our career. See them doing well in studies, relationships or career, just motivate me not to fall behind too.

Earlier days, I got jealous or felt emotional whenever they were having fun with other friends, without me. I thought I might lose myself over their new friends. I was wrong. I was naïve. The truth is, their friends heard about me a lot, despite never see me in person. Of course, it’s about good stuff ! *laugh

We are still close despite being thousand miles away. We encourage each other during struggles, not to give up in achieving our dreams. Checking in one another occasionally, seeking for advices at times, and sharing good news all the time! To me, true friends are those who never left you behind when you are in bad shape, love you when you forget to love yourself.

I never stop missing them and I always look forward the next time meeting them. We have priorities in life. Not keeping touch regularly does not mean that they are not important to me. I hope every time they see me, I am a better person myself. I want to look well in front of them, make them proud to have me as their best friend. It has been 440 days since I last saw them, I really hope this pandemic gonna end soon, life to be back to normal, so I can travel back to catch up with what we have missed in a year. I can’t wait till the day when I can meet them in person again!

The Second Child

Many people might not know this, I am actually the middle child in my family. Growing up with a special needs elder brother (Gor), I don’t really get to enjoy the perks being a younger sibling. Being held with “big sister” duty to my little brother, parents used to have very high expectations… I kinda hate my life back then.

Why should I? Why do I need to do this? Often the questions I asked myself. 

Doctors told us he can never talk, walk or take care of himself for the rest of his life. But silly me used to think what if there is a fairy godmother that can heal Gor, like how Cinderella turning into a Princess… What if one day he can walk and talk to me, telling me how much he adores me as his little sister too. 

We never had any conversation, but we are very close. I hug him whenever I am back home, feed him so that he can have a taste of what we eating too, tell him I will be back soon whenever I leave for school or work. He smiles, he listens. 

When I was little, I always told my friends I am the eldest in my family, with only one little brother, it’s because I didn’t know how to share Gor is actually a special needs child. What if they bash him, what if they ask a lot of questions. Kids. 

My family hardly travels together especially overseas. Gor will be cranky seeing strangers, and he can’t travel far. We seldom eat in restaurants too or even weddings. Someone needs to stay home, mom said, as we can’t bare to leave him alone with the maid. He will be upset or worse, cry. He feels insecure whenever we leave home as if we gonna abandon him. I can never understand how scared he was, being not able to move around but seeing your family to leave you at home alone. 

Getting older, I slowly understand how difficult as parents to be able to take care of such child. As a bedridden child, he has never gotten any infections, even doctors and nurses in hospital were impressed. Mum actually found out when she was pregnant. Being able to make the decision to deliver instead of baby abortion, God knows how fucking huge courage is needed. 

Mum once told me, doctors actually encouraged her to deliver more babies so that in future younger siblings are able to take care of Gor and old folks (my parents). Here comes me! And of course my younger brother…  

Recent years, my parents actually shared the reason why they had high expectations on me, not because I am being elder to my little brother… they see hope in me and hope I am independent and tough enough in future, able to take care of Gor when they are gone. 

I cried inside of me. 

It has been year and a half since Gor’s passing. My parents told me they feel relieved actually, knowing that Gor’s passed before them, knowing that he will be no longer in pain, knowing that he will not be a burden to us (me and my little brother) in future when they are gone. It has always been their concern that me and my little brother might not be able to take care of Gor like how my parents do. Feed him, bath him, take him to hospital, follow up with medical appointments, physiotherapy and many more. Especially when someday me and my little bro have our own family…

I am glad that my parents are picking up stuff they have missed during the days they took care of Gor. Dad retired last year, mum is enthusiastic over her Fengshui lessons and all. I am happy that they are happy, but I wish sometimes they have some attention on me too lol. They are busier than me sometimes, with all sorts of activities, hmm.  

I don’t know about you, but I am feeling extremely proud of my parents to be able to overcome so much for many years. Kudos to my pillars of strength, quay to my boat! See you all soon folks (if you are reading this) I love you both more than you know !

Writing this specially dedicated to my old folks and Gor.

2020 Reflections x 2021 Intentions

1.     What challenges did you face?
    –  Uncertainties, adjusting to new norm
2.      What lessons did you learn?
    –   Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice
3.     What do you want to remember?
     –  The year I had no idea when would be the next time I can meet my family and friends or travel. Never take things for granted 
4.     How did you grow?
    –  I learn to embrace when things might not turn out as planned
    –  I learn to accept flaws and not pushing hard on others and myself
    –  I learn to let go who no longer play important part in my life. 
5.    What do you want to celebrate?
    –  Thing that remains, friendships that stay
6.    What are you grateful for?
    –  A roof over my head
    –  I am loved
    –  I am alive
    –  A job that pays the bills
    –  Still chasing my dreams
7.    How did your heart break? How did your heart open?
    –  Screwed things up, and shut people off. Good thing about me when I hit rock bottom, I bury myself at work, and I will be fine eventually
    –  Knowing someone cares about me, constantly checking on me… For that, I am grateful. 

1.    How do you want to approach 2021?
    –  Remain fearless, stay calm for whatever happens. Not afraid in taking up risks, to stay focus for what I do
2.    How do you want to take care of yourself?
    –  To stay away from social media, unhealthy relationships & unnecessary conversations
3.    What qualities do you want to cultivate?
    –  Be present. Clarity
4.    How will you commit to yourself?
    –  Get honest with myself. Do something even if it is small
5.    What do you want to let go of?
    –  Dwelling on the past, worrying about future. Being a idealist.
6.    Where will you pour your attention?
    –  Mental health. Career. Education
7.    What habits or practices nourish you?
    –  Digital detox. Reflect. Journal/ blog