Love Yourself First before Falling in Love

Not falling in love yet… I am a total different person now, I feel. I am not afraid to voice out, take rejections and have more self awareness. I guess it was my damn ego last time. I now don’t put anything else before myself. I don’t want my relationship seem like a mission to complete due to reaching “age of marriage” already.

I am not looking for someone to accompany me cause I am single; some of my friends did. No comments, but I would rather stay alone. I would love to have someone that can have fun with as well as thrive for future together. Earlier, I met up with a friend, and found out he broke up with his girlfriend few months ago. From what I knew, they don’t fight, or argue. They kept feelings and never voiced out, maybe they thought it may affect their relationship, or they feel obliged to adjust to their partner. Later, the girl asked for a break up.

Communication is very important in a relationship, so that your partner knows your expectations and vice versa, even better if it is being communicated since beginning. Often, we wanted to build that ‘perfect image’ in front of our partner, being very accommodating even though at some point we might not feel comfortable about it. But, it is also important not to take things personally and always keep an open mind. We all have things we like and do not like. It would be good if we respect each others’ likings or hatred.

I think I am quite matured, so I really need someone who is on par or more mature than me. I ever doubted myself, thinking whether I am good enough. I was very unhappy, and I feel I am no longer myself anymore. Maybe I was too young, and not good in handling my emotions. But slowly, I learned that I am the one who takes charge of my emotions. Not anyone else.

I love how I am being appreciated and respected, for being able to voice out what I want or not want. I feel like everyone should have another part of his life instead of fully vested in relationship. I am not saying to have an affair. The 100% of us should comprise more than just being in relationship. Modern days now, even for women, it is important to have career to thrive, hobbies to enjoy, keeping up friendships and family matters to prioritize.

Side track a little. Tiny milestone to celebrate: I quit doing eyelashes extension, like finally! It was a thing where you don’t want to stop once you start doing it. I once thought I was not attractive enough, in need of that ABG look to boost confidence when I don’t put on make up. Slowly, I accepted who I am, and obviously I am happier now. I no longer worry that I am not able to meet my friends when I don’t have 13mm eyelashes on me.

Darn insecurities, bye!

Learning to Stop Being Hard on Myself

I had a panic attack last last weekends. My heart pounded so fast and I couldn’t sleep. Dramatic yet real. One moment, I was so excited about my purchase from Zara, next second, I started feeling anxious and having many thoughts running in mind. I was reluctant to sleep, thinking the moment I wake up, I will need to face the reality, going back to work again. Revenge bedtime procrastination, they said.

I had been dreading to work for the past week, mostly feeling fatigue and worrying if I couldn’t manage my work. Prior to joining new team, I pretty prepped myself it wouldn’t be easy, but somehow, deep down inside, I guess I wasn’t ready. I burst out crying on Monday night. I don’t feel like telling anyone about it, but I desperately need to talk it out, and since the only person who knows me best is myself, so I did a self talk. I talked and listened to my worries. It might sound weird, but somehow it works well for me.

I voiced out my concerns, and realizing I actually don’t hate my job, just that I have been pressurising myself to perform well. So ironic right, I expect my performance to be on par as I was in ex team, a place where I worked for more than 2 years. Knowing the reason of being anxious, I can then better manage my emotions. I told myself, I would be fine after some time, gradually picking things up and sharpening my skills. You can’t fly if you don’t learn how to walk, I thought.

I felt so much relieved, most important thing is I manage to sleep peacefully after that. I started penning down my workload, so as to prioritize whichever gonna due soon. I pace myself by doing things slow but progressively. Not to mention, I am handling a lot of backlogs as the team was down with manpower after two staff left.

Guess I felt pressurized, mainly thinking I couldn’t meet expectations. I am no longer a fresh graduate, not a newbie at work anymore, where seniors used to take good care of me most of the time. I am hired with expectations, and specific knowledge, skills, and have to work my way up after some time. I thought I can’t, but apparently I can! I just need to stop being too hard on myself.

It’s okay if you are slow, it’s okay if you are not competent right now. But it’s not okay if you give up half way, or doubt yourself. I never regretted my decision till date, cause I know what I want. I knew it is just a stepping stone before I want to climb higher.

Side track, I just turned down an opportunity from my dream company- JP Morgan, it caught me off guard when I checked my inbox last Thursday night. A company where I want to be in 2 years’ time. I fit the job perfectly due to my past experience, but deep down I knew that (the position) is not what I want. Few days later, I wrote back to decline the offer and wished her (the headhunter) all the best in finding suitable candidates. But, I will definitely not stop working on what I want, even after the rejection.

Met my friends over the weekends, I talked about my concerns and they agreed I should stop being so hard on myself. You will be fine in 3 months’ time, they said. I am doing better I guess, I stop worrying, thinking I might ruin anything… I guess that’s a good sign. I wore better clothes today before started working. I used to wear pajamas all day since I am working from home. I also set up a separate workstation away from my bed, so I won’t be lazing around. It indeed made me feel better in some way somehow…

That’s the main reason why the delay on this blog. Have been struggling earlier and later focus on healing myself… for a better me. It’s so amusing that we are actually learning new stuff, and never stop discovering ourselves every other day. I believe we are so much more than who we are, just that we are not aware of yet.

What do you think?

The 5-Minute Journal #1

Today I am truly grateful for:

  • My well-being ✨
  • A roof over my head ✨
  • End the day with rain. Hmm cosy ✨

Here’s what would make today great:

  • Wear more comfortable shoes. My back and legs are in pain now, after a long shopping haul in Zara earlier. 😦
  • Wake up earlier, almost miss my bus for French lesson. I was running like hell to catch the bus just now. 😦
  • Should have bought dinner earlier, I am hungry af now. 😦

Today’s Affirmation…

  • I am grateful for what I have 💖
  • I am doing well, everything is on track 💖
  • I will not worry about things beyond my control 💖

Here are few amazing things that happened today:

  • Able to dine in at ease after vaccination. Had pasta pairing with a glass of Chardonnay during daytime (oh how I miss it) Not to mention, I can have pasta every day, not getting bored! 🙂
  • Had a call with my helper after more than a year. She is doing well with new marriage, a loving husband and two stepchildren. She has been working in her farms with good harvest, so happy for her! 🙂
  • Bought 3 pants from Zara today, so sleek yet affordable. What a steal!! Can’t wait to wear it out to meet my friends next weekends. 🙂
  • Slowly picking up French, I can do simple sentences, starting to recognize them too. Still working on it! 🙂
  • Had a cup of iced Mocha for my caffeine dose 🙂
  • Did my eyebrows shaping, so ready to be vain meeting my friends! 🙂

Dramatic Work Weeks

Hmm. Where do I start? My days with the new team were super dramatic. I was first being issued quarantine order (QO) on second day at work. Oh well, I still work since I am doing fine (being healthy). Working in a quarantine hotel is indeed quiet and peaceful. No babies crying or fighting as BGM, or women yelling at the kids when I am having meetings. Very much like a business trip to me since I was mostly working on something or chilling, watching movies after working hours.

And then, I was down for two days due to side affects of second vaccination. I felt weary and uncomfortable most of the time, but I am glad I am alright now. Still not able to drink alcohols, do sports or whatsoever. But I am definitely looking forward to my dance class tomorrow. Finally, stepped out of the house yesterday after 3 weeks staying at home or quarantine hotel. Feel so good to have some fresh air outside, see people running around, buying dinners in the restaurants. What a sight right, a sight I have not seen for 3 weeks already. Sure time flies like that.

About my work… It is kinda what I expected, something I have been longing to try out despite still lack of confidence in dealing with clients, prolly the approach now is different. I used to work as admin, sales and marketing etc. but not a fraud investigator like now. I work as KYC specialist, someone who analyzes customers’ profiles, transactions, so I really need to be careful when I ask questions, not to tip off a potential fraudster or criminal. Still a little tricky on how I need to phrase my emails sometimes. Hmm.

But, I am really happy with the decision I made this year- shift of career. Something I would love to pursue. Apparently, we are encouraged to take up relevant courses, most importantly they are sponsored! Sure it is a good news to us, at least to me! Professional papers are usually expensive apart from having commitment after working hours or over the weekends. Not to mention, I prolly spent like SGD 5K on my papers these two years, my wallet is bleeding. But these papers literally brought me to where I am now, my brother said I should be thankful and education is eternal. True enough.

Aside learning processes are steep, apparently we are also overflooded with workload. However, my team members have been very helpful in guiding me, attending to my queries, so it does make it slightly easier at work. Let’s just hope I am able to pick up quick and brave through storms. I have been telling myself to be open-minded, not to freak out due to the overwhelmed workload. Pace out myself, and work on each cases progressively. I am sure I will survive. Well, I used to work in events marketing last time with multiple projects running concurrently.

Can’t wait to see how much I have grown by end of the year. Hopefully I won’t be emo or so. 🙂

Mon Vaccination Experience

Today marks my day two after jabbing second dose of Pfizer. Not to mention, it is also my second day on medical leave. All I want to say is Thank God I survived. The side-effects turned out so much worse than I expected though my friend did mention about it.

Last Sunday, I was still happily eating my all time favorite- Wanton noodles for dinner while watching Olympics games after vaccination. No side effects at all, very healthy. Prepping myself to sleep thereafter, finally get back to work on coming Monday at home, no longer in quarantine hotel! Wohoo, I thought.

Woke up to muscle ache on my left arm and having chills the next day. I declared MC, so as to get some rest instead of working. Sooner, I started getting fever. I thought it gonna get better after some sleep and drinking much water (that’s what I did during my first dose). I was wrong! It was raining cats and dogs. I started getting high fever and feeling very uncomfortable. Started shivering and felt like my whole body was burning.

Things got worse when my head started aching. I climbed out of my bed for lunch, so that I can have Panadols after that. I definitely made a right choice by ordering a 10-days meal package which will be sent to my house around noon. I remember the days when I was serving quarantine order, not able to cook at home (avoid physical contact), not enough ingredients to survive for 2 weeks (can’t leave home) and expensive food delivery with limited choices.

Back to sleep again after taking medicine. Couldn’t recall how long I have slept- 5 hours? 7 hours? during daytime. Things finally got better after late afternoon, when medicine took effect. I managed to take a shower after a long day, able to walk around and study a bit. Updated mom on my status, told her I have overcome the side-effects, I survived. I really thought I gonna die for goodness sake. Don’t really remember when was the last time I had such high fever.

No more muscle ache on my left arm but still having mild fever and discomfort today. My boss asked me to take another day off to rest. I am really thankful for her. As much as how dramatic my days with the new team, she is always there checking on me. To be honest, I feel like I have someone on my back whenever I need, I should definitely work hard when I am back to work tomorrow. Haha! Guess I am good since I can joke eh. 🙂

Finally, I am done with both doses, waiting for 2 more weeks to take effect officially. Can’t wait to go home, looking forward for the day I am able to travel the world again!

I Was Issued Quarantine Order!

You might not know this, but I was issued Quarantine Order (QO) under the Infectious Diseases Act for quarantine for 10 days. It all started on one fine morning, where I woke up to an SMS from Ministry of Health (MOH). I will be contacted with more information including transfer arrangements, it stated.

Just in case, you wonder what is QO:

A QO is a legal order issued to individuals who is, or is suspected to be, a carrier of an infectious disease or a contact of a person confirmed to have an infectious disease. MOH will establish if a QO should be served out in the home, dedicated Government Quarantine Facilities (GQFs) or hospitals, based on an assessment of a person’s contact history, state of health, and the suitability of the home.

I was all good in quarantine hotel with no symptoms at all. Tested negative for both Antigen Rapid Test (ART) & Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) tests in the mid of quarantine, however I am still required to complete QO.

Some tips to share:

  • Always on your Bluetooth (token or phone) as my possible exposure was not shown in Trace Together (TT) app- a tracing application used in Singapore. Likely I came in contact with Covid confirmed personnel on public transport as I was nowhere in any clusters too.
  • Always wear your mask. Never remove it unless you are eating or drinking. Shut up when you are on public transport, to avoid exposing yourself to potential carriers.
  • Don’t anyhow touch- in “Singapore slang”. Reduce physical contact whenever possible. You might not know if the person/ item is a potential carrier.
  • Walk away from those who cough or keep sneezing on public transport. Those who are ignorant, might still go out, and it’s us to protect ourselves !!!
  • Stop sharing food with others. My mind was a blank when I was issued QO without knowing any contact history or so. No records were shown in TT but big data kept with MOH which is confidential. Not to mention, I went out with a friend few days ago. But, it is then confirmed I got exposed a day after meeting her.
  • Don’t go out whenever possible. It’s tough with lesser gatherings, outings, but it is vital to stay safe. My parents totally freaked out when I told them about my QO. 😦
  • Reach out MOH proactively if you are the only one (in household) being contacted to serve QO. Rightfully, you should stay away from same household for health concerns. Driver will contact and inform you on the designated quarantine hotel and pick you up thereafter. So, pack your bag beforehand.
  • Download “Homer” from app store to update your temperature and symptoms. It is also used for your location tracing as well as health status. You might be contacted or do expect house visitations if you fail to do so. It’s a breach of act if you leave house while serving QO.
  • Bring a pack of facial masks with you as it is dry and cold in the quarantine hotel room. Always moisturize and hydrate your face, otherwise it will eventually crack and become flaky like mine. It’s darn painful!

I am truly blessed to have considerate boss, team members as well as landlady. They have been checking on my health status and asking if I am well, or need any help… Not to mention, it was my second day with new team when I first started QO. My friend even sent desserts to me. What a lucky girl! 💖 Also shout out to the staff where I have been well taken of during my stay. They often reach out to me to check if I need anything, send reminders for food collection and attend to all my queries. 😀

To be honest, I was quite anxious in the beginning for not knowing any details i.e. contact history, state of health (no tests taken), being traumatized if I might have Covid and spread to others, especially people from the same household. Well, life still goes on right. It’s important not to feel low when we can change nothing. I constantly remind myself how blessed I am to have a roof to stay, food on table and clean water to drink.

It was not a bad experience, but I certainly do not look forward for the experience again. Despite serving quarantine order, I thank God for the well-being for still able to work, catching up with Olympics, read book, study for my paper, write a blog, do some Tabata, attend online French class etc. Yup, I did not put my time into waste.

Nonetheless, take care and stay safe everyone xx. We shall see each other safe and sound someday! Cheers ✨

Ps. Feel free to reach out to me if you are *touch wood* being issued one too. I can share more details based on personal experience. 🙂

Nothing Was Right

It was rather a long week indeed. Last week started with news of le uncle’s family got infected with Covid-19, but thank God they are recovering well. Uncle was sent to quarantine center; cousins were asked to stay home. Le grandma, aunt & baby niece were driven to assigned hospital as they were categorized as more vulnerable group. Everyone freaked out when we first heard the news, especially in times like this… We can’t offer much help as we are not allowed to cross visits or so, but hope for the best and keep each other posted everyday.

The other day, I didn’t do my homework before business French class. I took things for granted, like watching dramas, playing games, went out for dinner etc., everything but not the homework. I felt guilty, or rather bad for myself that I need to call for help in class (let’s just skip the details). Not sure if the competitive spirit in me hit me kinda bad, that I swear by myself I will never repeat the same mistake. I gonna do revision before classes, complete all the homework given and so for. I still find French is more difficult than Spanish, but oh well… I love challenges!

When we were getting kinda used to things (we do), we often forget the reasons why we begin… I challenge myself in signing up a new language, but I am not working hard for it. I am committed to few things (important) at a time, but I am not doing my best yet. I can do better, I thought. To be honest, I sometimes set quite high expectations for myself, so that I will continuously improve, become a better person. I often look up to those friends who have the same fighting spirit like me, though I also understand not all wants that kind of lifestyle. But still… I always admire those who are ambitious, never settle for less.

Oh well, I guess I just have to work on myself the most. Some of my friends are now already in managerial level whereas me who started career path later have so much more to work on. I didn’t feel sorry for myself but otherwise, as I have tried more fields than some! I believe everything happens for a reason, but I also trust that we choose our own destiny. How contradicting lol. It gonna be a new journey again in few days time, I just gonna learn as much as possible before I decide on anything just yet.

For the second half of the year, I would just be me and my goals! Wish me luck ✨

Raindrops on Window Panes

A mini staycation of mine has finally come to an end. The weather was cooling and breezy that I have actually been snuggling under a blanket for the past few days. Occasionally, some hot tea session while doing revision. It was quiet, a moment I have been looking forward to spend a little me time away from home.

I looked out the window. The sky turned greyish-blue and large clouds began to gather. I heard raindrops were softly tapping on the windows. In my reflection, they were weaving with the wind. Passersby quickened their pace and umbrellas were opened as the clouds spat out mizzling rain. I grabbed my sweater and had some hot Jasmine tea to keep myself warm in the room.

The sound of the rain was so soothing that I gain so much inner peace. I have so much thoughts running through my mind, mostly reflecting and planning for second half of the year. Many people were cheering for me at the same time telling me that my next job scope will not be easy. Well, we always challenge ourselves to grow as a person, to take baby steps out of comfort zone, aren’t we?

People began to send wishes and congratulating me on LinkedIn after updating my latest posting. Toast for new beginnings! I have been keeping up to my promise by taking leaps of faith regardless in life, relationships or career even though I am not sure it is right or will succeed… Looking forward to more new adventures!

Just received a bad news today. A news that many might not know of yet… My uncle was being diagnosed with Covid, even after his first jab. He got it when he was trying to help an old lady who fell at home previously. He cried over the phone earlier despite being a man who is so tough in front of his children. I wasn’t shared with much information earlier today, but I will check and update again. He has been keeping this secret from his children (my cousins) as some of them are currently working overseas. He doesn’t want them to worry.

Will you want your loved ones to know if you got Covid-19? Is it selfish to keep it as a secret? Is it redundant to tell them by making them worry? What would you do?

It’s Not a Goodbye, It’s Au Revoir

Finally, my position with operations has come to an end. I didn’t cry! It’s not a sad thing, I feel. I received farewell gifts, bunch of well wishes and pending lunch dates. I am glad that I have left good impression on people.

On top of farewell gifts, I wrote a letter…. To thank them for being part of my journey in operations. It was reminiscing with lots of memories created with them. Although there might be good and bad days, but we have made it through, especially during this pandemic. I am glad to see everyone is doing well, or even better!

I am bidding a not-goodbye goodbye, wishing everyone good health and stay happy always.

And now, I just want to enjoy my 11 days break before a new chapter begins.

Bonne Nuit~ (in prep for French class tomorrow)

Finally!

Kick start July with bunch of good news! And yes, I have been smiling a lot since day 1 of July hehe.

Finally, gotten both vaccine appointments. Have been spamming registration link for God knows how many times since March, as if I am snatching concert tickets online. I am little nervous mainly due to needle instead of possible side effects lol. Let’s see if I am fine tomorrow cause my appointment is scheduled later tonight.

Finally, gotten my salary increment. I told myself to be calm, not to have high hope or so, so that I won’t be upset just in case I didn’t get what I expect. But, it turned out to be better than what I thought especially in time of pandemic, in difficult times like this. For that, I am truly grateful.

Finally, my turn to bid farewell… soon. Counting down 5 more working days! Someone sends me flowers please haha! Few colleagues of mine just left continuously since 3 weeks ago. I am no longer feeling emotional, mainly I accept the fact that we are moving on for better places, better opportunities. Can’t wait to give out farewell gifts to my colleagues next week! I love giving out things, or buy people stuff, that’s why I love Christmas season so much. Choosing gifts, wrapping presents and writing messages!

Finally, got in contact with a friend from India whom I am very close with. A guy friend who reads my mind… I am not sure if he simply knows me well or pretty understand women haha! He has plenty of female cousins and all his siblings are girls too~ He gonna roll his eyeballs if he sees this haha! I ever called him a womanizer cause he is really popular among girls hmm. Though his advices can be brutally honest at times, but I guess that’s what one wishes for right- not being fluffed. Looking forward to meet him in person someday!

Finally! Finally! Finally! It’s the second half of the year, though it has not been smooth sailing since day 1 of 2021. I laughed a lot, cried a lot, and mostly grow a lot. I am a little proud of myself where I have been looking after my mental health since circuit breaker… It is very important I feel, and hope I could help others if I can…

Side track a little, my little brother just had his convocation online, graduated with honors. Very happy for him indeed, one more person to pamper me with all the good food etc. instead of me paying for his meals sometimes. He won’t be seeing my posts anyways. *evil grin* He has just gotten second interview from a listed company next week, let’s pray for him! You should see how happy were my parents few days ago! Even the youngest kid in da house is done with his tertiary education. Woohoo!

I gonna have one week break before start working again. Pretty excited cause I have planned plenty of activities for myself apart from studying, like staycation, volunteer work, Business French classes, blood donation (not sure if I still can after jabbing), change spectacles, clothes donation… Not to mention, I have 13 new books to read too. Let’s make this break a fruitful one! 🙂