Unsettled

At times I stay late at work, biting granola bar, thereafter continue drafting my emails…

At times I eat sandwiches as late dinner by the roadside, waiting for taxi to go home…

At times I walk around to buy dinner but all shops have closed, and I am starving…

Totally not ranting how I am being tied down, but rather feeling contented to be able to enjoy what I am doing now even though I give in a lot of time at work. At times where I feel stressful over workload, being tasked to coach and do reporting recently, I am glad I am valued as an asset to the team, to the company. Not to mention, I just joined the team 4 months ago. How time flies.

I have learnt so much, and definitely so much more to learn. I am thankful for having knowledgeable bosses and considerate teammates. They are more experienced than myself, and being very open and always up for discussion whenever I need help. I am tasked to assign, to do reporting and to coach a newcomer. Though at times I still feel I am rather new, not sure if I am ready to handle all these matters, but I will definitely do my best!

Counting down 2 more days to December, and it is the beginning of festive season as well as my birthday month hehe!! I am totally looking forward to all the plans I have with my friends- cycling, Thai food feast, Ocean restaurant experience, staycation, meeting my long lost friend, buffets and gifts!! So excited, and hopefully I never gained a lot of weight by eating too much.

Ps. Sagittarius rocks πŸ™‚

Often We Thought… We Assumed.

All along I know that communication plays vital part in life, regardless with family, at work or in relationships. But recently, I learn that consequences of good communication are indeed loud and impactful. Communication allows us to share feelings, connect and build trust, most importantly able to deliver messages we want to convey, not assumptions. Assumptions can be unfavorable at times as it is a willingness to accept something as true without question or proof. It can lead to unpleasant experience, with the thinking: “I thought…” “Maybe…” when another party have no intention on the messages he convey.

Hmm where do I start…

I was once very bad in communications. I assumed what another party is thinking and I don’t clarify, mainly I couldn’t take rejections. I will feel hurtful based on my assumptions. Eventually I became defensive. Also, I had poor listening skills, I tend to shut people off when I hear things I don’t want to hear. I never compromised, used to… Guess working in corporate world for plenty of years has really molded me to become a better person where I need to force myself to liaise with counterparties regardless making calls or blasting emails. There should be zero misunderstanding as it might affect relevant stakeholders especially working on projects. I am thankful for those opportunities given where I need to deal with management, external parties and fellow colleagues for the past few years.

Now I can better tweak my words though I might be quite assertive at times, but at least another party wouldn’t feel so pressurized. I will initiate talks so that both parties can speak up our minds to work for better outcome. I trust good process helps as much as best outcome matters. I believe in creating values, not only for clients, but also stakeholders. I am able to take rejections nowadays, and I wouldn’t take it personally like how I used to… I believe things happened for a reason and they will better improve me as a person in future. I am doing it for myself!

Recently, I learnt more about love language too. All along I know mine has been act of service and quality time. To me, for a person who works relentlessly with the bank (also due to my job scope), I value my time a lot, especially nowadays I end work late, I barely go out during weekdays. Occasionally, I would rather spend time at home than going out during weekends. Guess I just need some space to work on myself before another new week strikes again.

I was being asked if quality time means spending a lot of time together or going out a lot. To be honest, not really actually. I treasure meaningful meetings or intellectual conversation over high quantities of outings. A person who craves quality time actually has very little to do with the amount of time you are together. It’s also not based on activities. Quality time is about how you spend the time that you have together.

For people whose primary love language is quality time, we never lose sight of the fact that time is limited and tomorrow is not promised. Hence, we view time together as a priceless gift that we want to give and receive in relationships. To us, life is about being in the moment. When we are feeling insecure or going through a tough time, just show your care by simply being there and spending quality time together. Even though not all the discomfort will be taken away- nor should you be expected to- being able to demonstrate that you are present and available means a lot to us.

Guess communication would always be a lifelong learning lesson to us. Like my dad, he is a very reserved person, typical Asian dad I would say. He often makes decisions he thought would be beneficial to us (me and my bro), and he never shared reasons why. I mean as a parent, he doesn’t need to explain every single thing to us. Over the years, I learnt how to get him to talk more as we sometimes misunderstand his intentions, and he never bothered to explain.

I remember when Covid just started last year, I requested using public chopsticks when we were having dinner. He got so furious as if we are not close bonded, as if he will spread us the virus… Sooner, my mom got furious too, thinking he is being too sensitive. Knowing his concern, I spoke to him calmly: I work overseas where I travel a lot. To be honest, I would think I have more virus exposure than you spreading gems to me. I requested public chopsticks as I am concerned your wellbeing as much as myself. Hope you understand. Onwards, there will always be public chopsticks on dining table.

Even with family, a group of people living together for so many years, communication still plays important part.

Some tips for effective communications:

  1. Active listening- involves hearing and understanding what a person is saying to you.
  2. Be personable. Everyone is different, hence way of dealing might be different at times.
  3. Empathy- understand and share the feelings of another person.
  4. Always have an open mind. Don’t take things personally.
  5. Process your feelings. Avoid blurting hurtful words when you are angry.

Hope this helps as I find it very important! πŸ™‚

Rocky November

Can I just say November is not a good month, well at least to me. On top of crazy workload, I am now acting as an interim team lead in the meantime before my senior who rejoined the team taking over the task. I barely have enough rests these days, mainly I have been using my brain a lot at work for decision making, scrutinizing, interviewing, crafting emails, investigating and seeking approvals.

I feel mentally fatigue almost every other day, especially after work. Not to mention, I have been waking up at 5am, not sure if it’s due to work stress, I will sleep back thereafter, as if I messed up my body clock. Still biting the bullet at work as I have yet to figure out my own system to work in office. Hopefully I don’t fall sick or so especially during Covid times… Though I met few counterparties who are not being cooperative, but I am blessed to have supportive boss and seniors leading my way.

I have been following this Horoscope guru whom I find really experienced. After knowing what’s coming in November, I just have to better prepare myself. She mentioned we (Sagittarius baby) will be receiving a lot of weird cases (which is true, I have been encountering quite number of odd jobs), having trouble to sleep and have to find ways to tug oneself to sleep (which is also true). I didn’t get to sleep today, at all. Insomnia sucks! I would feel helpless at times. There’s nothing much to do except to better equip myself and let the time flows. I just need to focus on myself and do my own thing despite there might be menace at work.

It’s 7th November today and I already feel very restless. Can’t wait to end the month and welcome December- my birthday month! Hoping for well-being of myself (mental health & physical health) and no heart attacks please~

Time is Like A River

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life!

A message that strikes me when le mom shared me this quote.

Often we plan too far ahead, as if we have a lot of time, feelings won’t change or people don’t leave. We take things for granted.

2 more months before 2022 is here. I am kinda proud of myself for what I have accomplished this year, a leap of faith year indeed. Regardless my career, studies, mental health, interest (as in hobbies) and relationship, I grasp them! If you know, you know.

Little pat on my shoulder, I have done well so far, well at least my 2021 new year resolutions are on track. Will continue to work on my new resolutions. Slowly but surely…

Finding Comfortable Shoes

Well, please don’t get confused or misunderstood. Obviously, it is not a blog teaching you tips on how to find a pair of comfortable shoes here. Pretty much just a metaphor.

Hmm how do I even begin. The more I grow, the more I put myself first before others. Putting yourself first is not selfish. When your needs are well taken care of, you can give genuinely, and without expectation, that’s what I thought. I actually learnt a lot during pandemic, for example, able to acknowledge, control and deal with my emotions. I find time to decompress and recharge. Be kind to myself, and celebrate tiny milestones!


Younger Self

We used to choose pretty shoes over comfortable ones. If they are cheap, we would buy them, and then continue to buy more. We don’t appreciate, prolly throw them away after worn only a few times. It doesn’t matter if they hurt us really bad, leaving us scars or blisters. If they are super fancy or branded ones, it doesn’t matter if we really suit them, so long we are able to show off our social status among friends, they are good enough.

Older Self

Now that we are more financially independent, regardless they are cheap or expensive ones, we only buy if they are comfortable. Why spending money on something that might hurt, leaving scars or blisters on our feet? The more we grow, the better we style ourselves. We prolly have found styles which suit ourselves, be it casual, minimalist etc. We feel good when we dress well, most importantly wearing something we are comfortable with.


When we were young, we sought to please people to adore us. We change ourselves so that we fit. Fit that friend, fit that circle. Otherwise, we are loser, we are not cool friends. Been there done that. Why making ourselves miserable when life is kinda rough already?

I stay away from the circle I do not belong. I focus more on myself, my career, ambition, mental health. Or rather continue to nourish those who stay, somewhere I have sense of belonging. Prolly we are already too busy with work, life, studies, we now put more effort into those who put effort into ourselves.

I learnt that people might walk away at certain point of our lives, prolly we are chasing different things, having different values, or priorities. Don’t chase people when they walk away. I believe God puts people in our lives for a reason, and removes them from our lives for a better person. But you should know that there is difference between being ignorant and having self love.


Just had a conversation with a friend today. She was too busy that she no longer groom herself.

“Beautify yourself! Put on some make up and go out!” we (me and another friend) said to her.

“I am not dating, hence no make up. And if I put on make up, people might think I am out of my mind!” she replied.

“Actually it will indirectly affect your mood. For instance, you will feel good when you look good, boosting your confidence. You should prioritize yourself over anybody else!” I told her.

Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals or self worth.

I hope you found your pair of comfortable shoes too! πŸ™‚

Slowly but Surely…

Finally, back to office after 2 months. Apparently, it was my very first week working in the office after internal transfer. Having a million-dollar view, I finally made it, I thought. I feel so powerful standing tall after working hard from one office to another, from west to east, and now at one of the skyscraper buildings in central business district.

Though I might still be struggling with the workload, but I am sure I will push through. It’s just a matter of time. Le boss just announced some good news where we will be having bigger team, apparently the workload has spiked tremendously as compared to last year, hence with the increased staffing, hopefully we are able to close more cases at our end.

Also, I am assigned to complete a curriculum with regards to my profession within 2 years. I felt weary at first as I just submitted my assignment few days ago. I had so much sleep debt to pay back. But to think again, I am thankful for the opportunity.

The program actually serves like a management trainee program but more in AML/ KYC aspects. With the courses being heavily subsidized, I will definitely grasp these opportunities to better equip myself before reaching another new height. Totally looking forward to it! One step closer to my dream career, even better now with company providing resources and roadmap to us!

Now that I have more time on weekends, I plan to:

  • Organize meet up or virtual ones (keep it small)
  • Go for candlelight concert
  • Donate blood again
  • Complete 15 new books
  • More paintings
  • More karaoke sessions (at home lol)
  • Improve French (work on listening)
  • Practice Cha Cha (work on routines)

Slowly but surely… πŸ™‚

Love Yourself First before Falling in Love

Not falling in love yet… I am a total different person now, I feel. I am not afraid to voice out, take rejections and have more self awareness. I guess it was my damn ego last time. I now don’t put anything else before myself. I don’t want my relationship seem like a mission to complete due to reaching “age of marriage” already. To be honest, I am okay to have a relationship, or not to have a relationship.

It doesn’t mean that I am not serious about relationship. I do, very much. I am not looking for someone to accompany me cause I am single; some of my friends did. No comments, but I would rather stay alone. I would love to have someone that can have fun with as well as thrive for future together. Earlier, I met up with a friend, and found out he broke up with his girlfriend few months ago. From what I knew, they don’t fight, or argue. They kept feelings and never voiced out, maybe they thought it may affect their relationship, or they feel obliged to adjust to their partner. Later, the girl asked for a break up.

Communication is very important in a relationship, so that your partner knows your expectations and vice versa, even better if it is being communicated since beginning. Often, we wanted to build that ‘perfect image’ in front of our partner, being very accommodating even though at some point we might not feel comfortable about it. But, it is also important not to take things personally and always keep an open mind. We all have things we like and do not like. It would be good if we respect each others’ likings or hatred.

I think I am quite matured, so I really need someone who is on par or more mature than me. I ever doubted myself, thinking whether I am good enough. I was very unhappy, and I feel I am no longer myself anymore. Maybe I was too young, and not good in handling my emotions. But slowly, I learned that I am the one who takes charge of my emotions. Not anyone else.

I love how I am being appreciated and respected, for being able to voice out what I want or not want. I feel like everyone should have another part of his life instead of fully vested in relationship. I am not saying to have an affair. The 100% of us should comprise more than just being in relationship. Modern days now, even for women, it is important to have career to thrive, hobbies to enjoy, keeping up friendships and family matters to prioritize.

Side track a little. Tiny milestone to celebrate: I quit doing eyelashes extension, like finally! It was a thing where you don’t want to stop once you start doing it. I once thought I was not attractive enough, in need of that ABG look to boost confidence when I don’t put on make up. Slowly, I accepted who I am, and obviously I am happier now. I no longer worry that I am not able to meet my friends when I don’t have 13mm eyelashes on me.

Darn insecurities, bye!

Learning to Stop Being Hard on Myself

I had a panic attack last last weekends. My heart pounded so fast and I couldn’t sleep. Dramatic yet real. One moment, I was so excited about my purchase from Zara, next second, I started feeling anxious and having many thoughts running in mind. I was reluctant to sleep, thinking the moment I wake up, I will need to face the reality, going back to work again. Revenge bedtime procrastination, they said.

I had been dreading to work for the past week, mostly feeling fatigue and worrying if I couldn’t manage my work. Prior to joining new team, I pretty prepped myself it wouldn’t be easy, but somehow, deep down inside, I guess I wasn’t ready. I burst out crying on Monday night. I don’t feel like telling anyone about it, but I desperately need to talk it out, and since the only person who knows me best is myself, so I did a self talk. I talked and listened to my worries. It might sound weird, but somehow it works well for me.

I voiced out my concerns, and realizing I actually don’t hate my job, just that I have been pressurising myself to perform well. So ironic right, I expect my performance to be on par as I was in ex team, a place where I worked for more than 2 years. Knowing the reason of being anxious, I can then better manage my emotions. I told myself, I would be fine after some time, gradually picking things up and sharpening my skills. You can’t fly if you don’t learn how to walk, I thought.

I felt so much relieved, most important thing is I manage to sleep peacefully after that. I started penning down my workload, so as to prioritize whichever gonna due soon. I pace myself by doing things slow but progressively. Not to mention, I am handling a lot of backlogs as the team was down with manpower after two staff left.

Guess I felt pressurized, mainly thinking I couldn’t meet expectations. I am no longer a fresh graduate, not a newbie at work anymore, where seniors used to take good care of me most of the time. I am hired with expectations, and specific knowledge, skills, and have to work my way up after some time. I thought I can’t, but apparently I can! I just need to stop being too hard on myself.

It’s okay if you are slow, it’s okay if you are not competent right now. But it’s not okay if you give up half way, or doubt yourself. I never regretted my decision till date, cause I know what I want. I knew it is just a stepping stone before I want to climb higher.

Side track, I just turned down an opportunity from my dream company- JP Morgan, it caught me off guard when I checked my inbox last Thursday night. A company where I want to be in 2 years’ time. I fit the job perfectly due to my past experience, but deep down I knew that (the position) is not what I want. Few days later, I wrote back to decline the offer and wished her (the headhunter) all the best in finding suitable candidates. But, I will definitely not stop working on what I want, even after the rejection.

Met my friends over the weekends, I talked about my concerns and they agreed I should stop being so hard on myself. You will be fine in 3 months’ time, they said. I am doing better I guess, I stop worrying, thinking I might ruin anything… I guess that’s a good sign. I wore better clothes today before started working. I used to wear pajamas all day since I am working from home. I also set up a separate workstation away from my bed, so I won’t be lazing around. It indeed made me feel better in some way somehow…

That’s the main reason why the delay on this blog. Have been struggling earlier and later focus on healing myself… for a better me. It’s so amusing that we are actually learning new stuff, and never stop discovering ourselves every other day. I believe we are so much more than who we are, just that we are not aware of yet.

What do you think?

The Five Minute Journal #1

Today I am truly grateful for:

  • My well-being ✨
  • A roof over my head ✨
  • End the day with rain. Hmm cosy ✨

Here’s what would make today great:

  • Wear more comfortable shoes. My back and legs are in pain now, after a long shopping haul in Zara earlier. 😦
  • Wake up earlier, almost miss my bus for French lesson. I was running like hell to catch the bus just now. 😦
  • Should have bought dinner earlier, I am hungry af now. 😦

Today’s Affirmation…

  • I am grateful for what I have πŸ’–
  • I am doing well, everything is on track πŸ’–
  • I will not worry about things beyond my control πŸ’–

Here are few amazing things that happened today:

  • Able to dine in at ease after vaccination. Had pasta pairing with a glass of Chardonnay during daytime (oh how I miss it) Not to mention, I can have pasta every day, not getting bored! πŸ™‚
  • Had a call with my helper after more than a year. She is doing well with new marriage, a loving husband and two stepchildren. She has been working in her farms with good harvest, so happy for her! πŸ™‚
  • Bought 3 pants from Zara today, so sleek yet affordable. What a steal!! Can’t wait to wear it out to meet my friends next weekends. πŸ™‚
  • Slowly picking up French, I can do simple sentences, starting to recognize them too. Still working on it! πŸ™‚
  • Had a cup of iced Mocha for my caffeine dose πŸ™‚
  • Did my eyebrows shaping, so ready to be vain meeting my friends! πŸ™‚

Dramatic Work Weeks

Hmm. Where do I start? My days with the new team were super dramatic. I was first being issued quarantine order (QO) on second day at work. Oh well, I still work since I am doing fine (being healthy). Working in a quarantine hotel is indeed quiet and peaceful. No babies crying or fighting as BGM, or women yelling at the kids when I am having meetings. Very much like a business trip to me since I was mostly working on something or chilling, watching movies after working hours.

And then, I was down for two days due to side affects of second vaccination. I felt weary and uncomfortable most of the time, but I am glad I am alright now. Still not able to drink alcohols, do sports or whatsoever. But I am definitely looking forward to my dance class tomorrow. Finally, stepped out of the house yesterday after 3 weeks staying at home or quarantine hotel. Feel so good to have some fresh air outside, see people running around, buying dinners in the restaurants. What a sight right, a sight I have not seen for 3 weeks already. Sure time flies like that.

About my work… It is kinda what I expected, something I have been longing to try out despite still lack of confidence in dealing with clients, prolly the approach now is different. I used to work as admin, sales and marketing etc. but not a fraud investigator like now. I work as KYC specialist, someone who analyzes customers’ profiles, transactions, so I really need to be careful when I ask questions, not to tip off a potential fraudster or criminal. Still a little tricky on how I need to phrase my emails sometimes. Hmm.

But, I am really happy with the decision I made this year- shift of career. Something I would love to pursue. Apparently, we are encouraged to take up relevant courses, most importantly they are sponsored! Sure it is a good news to us, at least to me! Professional papers are usually expensive apart from having commitment after working hours or over the weekends. Not to mention, I prolly spent like SGD 5K on my papers these two years, my wallet is bleeding. But these papers literally brought me to where I am now, my brother said I should be thankful and education is eternal. True enough.

Aside learning processes are steep, apparently we are also overflooded with workload. However, my team members have been very helpful in guiding me, attending to my queries, so it does make it slightly easier at work. Let’s just hope I am able to pick up quick and brave through storms. I have been telling myself to be open-minded, not to freak out due to the overwhelmed workload. Pace out myself, and work on each cases progressively. I am sure I will survive. Well, I used to work in events marketing last time with multiple projects running concurrently.

Can’t wait to see how much I have grown by end of the year. Hopefully I won’t be emo or so. πŸ™‚