Journal – Page 9 – Live. Laugh. Love.

Long Distance Friendships

Published on April 16, 2021December 30, 2023 by Lee AlisonLeave a comment

Came across a question on school’s confession page where one posted:

“I’d like to ask if my life is normal. I have friends in school and work. During my school days or workdays, I talked with them, hanged out with them. But after I finish school, we don’t contact each other, not even once a month. Maybe a few times a year. I always feel that they are more friendly towards others than me by looking at how often they contact each other or their interactions online. Is a few times a year completely normal or do I have to give more time for my social life? How often do you contact with your friends and how are your feelings towards them?”

Having to live in Singapore for 10 years, that’s basically that many years I am having long distance with my best friends in home country. I left for further studies after high school. We don’t chat often, but we definitely meet up whenever I return. Endless conversation at restaurant. We make it a point to travel at least once a year. We kept the promise until last year, when Covid-19 hit.

I never felt awkward despite only meeting them few times a year. We treasure the moment together. They insisted to do the driving (I sucks at driving), to plan gatherings (BBQ or steamboat sessions). I love how we never lost connections since high school, but developing stronger bonds. We are young and work hard for our career. See them doing well in studies, relationships or career, it motivates me not to fall behind too.

Earlier days, I felt jealous whenever they were having fun with other friends. I thought I might lose myself over their new friends. I was wrong. I was naïve. The truth is, their friends heard about me a lot, despite never see me in person. Of course, it’s about good stuff ! *laugh

We are still close despite being thousand miles away. We encourage each other during struggles, not to give up in achieving our dreams. Checking in one another occasionally, seeking for advices at times, and sharing good news all the time! To me, true friends are those who never left you behind when you are in bad shape, love you when you forget to love yourself.

I never stop missing them and I always look forward the next time meeting them. We have priorities in life. Not keeping touch regularly does not mean that they are not important to me. I hope every time they see me, I am a better person myself. I want to look well in front of them, make them proud to have me as their best friend. It has been 440 days since I last saw them, I really hope this pandemic gonna end soon, life to be back to normal, so I can travel back to catch up with what we have missed in a year. I can’t wait till the day when I can meet them in person again!

The Second Child

Published on April 3, 2021April 16, 2021 by Lee AlisonLeave a comment

Many people might not know this, I am actually the middle child in my family. Growing up with a special needs elder brother (Gor), I don’t really get to enjoy the perks being a younger sibling. Being held with “big sister” duty to my little brother, parents used to have very high expectations… I kinda hate my life back then.

Why should I? Why do I need to do this? Often the questions I asked myself.

Doctors told us he can never talk, walk or take care of himself for the rest of his life. But silly me used to think what if there is a fairy godmother that can heal Gor, like how Cinderella turning into a Princess… What if one day he can walk and talk to me, telling me how much he adores me as his little sister too.

We never had any conversation, but we are very close. I hug him whenever I am back home, feed him so that he can have a taste of what we eating too, tell him I will be back soon whenever I leave for school or work. He smiles, he listens.

When I was little, I always told my friends I am the eldest in my family, with only one little brother, it’s because I didn’t know how to share Gor is actually a special needs child. What if they bash him, what if they ask a lot of questions. Kids.

My family hardly travels together especially overseas. Gor will be cranky seeing strangers, and he can’t travel far. We seldom eat in restaurants too or even weddings. Someone needs to stay home, mom said, as we can’t bare to leave him alone with the maid. He will be upset or worse, cry. He feels insecure whenever we leave home as if we gonna abandon him. I can never understand how scared he was, being not able to move around but seeing your family to leave you at home alone.

Getting older, I slowly understand how difficult as parents to be able to take care of such child. As a bedridden child, he has never gotten any infections, even doctors and nurses in hospital were impressed. Mum actually found out when she was pregnant. Being able to make the decision to deliver instead of baby abortion, God knows how fucking huge courage is needed.

Mum once told me, doctors actually encouraged her to deliver more babies so that in future younger siblings are able to take care of Gor and old folks (my parents). Here comes me! And of course my younger brother…

Recent years, my parents actually shared the reason why they had high expectations on me, not because I am being elder to my little brother… they see hope in me and hope I am independent and tough enough in future, able to take care of Gor when they are gone.

I cried inside of me.

It has been year and a half since Gor’s passing. My parents told me they feel relieved actually, knowing that Gor’s passed before them, knowing that he will be no longer in pain, knowing that he will not be a burden to us (me and my little brother) in future when they are gone. It has always been their concern that me and my little brother might not be able to take care of Gor like how my parents do. Feed him, bath him, take him to hospital, follow up with medical appointments, physiotherapy and many more. Especially when someday me and my little bro have our own family…

I am glad that my parents are picking up stuff they have missed during the days they took care of Gor. Dad retired last year, mum is enthusiastic over her Fengshui lessons and all. I am happy that they are happy, but I wish sometimes they have some attention on me too lol. They are busier than me sometimes, with all sorts of activities, hmm.

I don’t know about you, but I am feeling extremely proud of my parents to be able to overcome so much for many years. Kudos to my pillars of strength, quay to my boat! See you all soon folks (if you are reading this) I love you both more than you know !

Writing this specially dedicated to my old folks and Gor.

Expat Story: A Different Chinese New Year

Published on February 18, 2021January 14, 2024 by Lee AlisonLeave a comment

Marking one year not returning home aka first time celebrating Chinese New Year (CNY) overseas. No reunion dinner, no new clothes, no visitations… initially! To be honest, I had no plans on how am I gonna spend time during CNY since I am pretty stuck in Singapore, not able to go home for celebration. However, kudos to my cousins and friends, they actually made initiatives to meet up for lunches and dinners. For that, I am beyond grateful. Not to mention, one of my friends purposely drove me some cookies and tarts right before CNY. What have I done to deserve this! *Crying inside

Ended work prolly 3pm during eve, rushed home to change before eating out. Oriental restaurants in Singapore were either fully booked or mainly closed. We managed to have dinner in a German bar with delightful pork ribs and barramundi. Eating out in an occidental restaurant without parents during CNY eve indeed feels very different. We used to gather to cook and eat together for many years, so much laughter in the house. Sitting in the bus on the journey back home while thinking how others spending time with their families, I had never felt such empty in my life.

Video-called parents first thing in the morning after washed up during Chu Yi (1st day of CNY). Chit chatted quite a bit, as it was their very first time spending CNY without us (me and my brother). Was invited to one of my friend’s house for lunch. We did potluck. All of us are expats working in Singapore, despite meeting them the very first time, we got bonded quickly. We had fun playing board games and pokers. We stayed for the day, spending quality time with my friend’s aunt and herself. Feel so good to have such good host to cater us, feeding us with good food. We left for the day with stomach full of food.

Visited another friend’s house during Chu Er (2nd day of CNY). The husband and herself even prepped us lunch. She texted me few days beforehand, asking if I have any plans, otherwise I can pay them a visit and have lunch together! Got to meet a new friend, eating themed doughnuts, and of course having steamboat together. Left for dinner with le cousins thereafter. Made reservation a month ago, since social distancing required with limited slots in a restaurant. We managed to video-call our families in every corner of the world. We greeted and sent our regards before eating. Despite being thousand miles away, it’s nice seeing everyone enjoying themselves and in good shape. It was a decent dinner, having Lohei together, checking in to see how everyone is doing, especially during this pandemic.

Met secondary school friends on Chu San (3rd day of CNY) aka Valentine’s day! Glad to hear everyone is doing fine, with one of us just got married and had job change; another one got his PR status of late. It’s always good to hear good news as it somehow motivates me to work harder, in achieving my goals while my friends are working hard for theirs too! All of us have not been returning home for a year, and God knows when would be the next time we meeting our families…

Writing this to remind how blessed I am. Have been telling my parents that despite not able to return home, I am doing very fine with friends making me feel like home overseas. Handwritten letter, handmade cookies, visitations, red packets (it’s a blessing!), lunches and dinners, CNY goodies etc., it makes me feel like I am not alone overseas.

It is a very different Chinese New Year to most of us. Not able to travel home, seeing each other via Zoom calls, limited visitations and so. However, without my knowing, God actually sends more people to me. Look forward to the day I am able to do more for them, my turn to host them in future! Happy Niu Year all !