Rocky November

Can I just say November is not a good month, well at least to me. On top of crazy workload, I am now acting as an interim team lead in the meantime before my senior who rejoined the team taking over the task. I barely have enough rests these days, mainly I have been using my brain a lot at work for decision making, scrutinizing, interviewing, crafting emails, investigating and seeking approvals.

I feel mentally fatigue almost every other day, especially after work. Not to mention, I have been waking up at 5am, not sure if it’s due to work stress, I will sleep back thereafter, as if I messed up my body clock. Still biting the bullet at work as I have yet to figure out my own system to work in office. Hopefully I don’t fall sick or so especially during Covid times… Though I met few counterparties who are not being cooperative, but I am blessed to have supportive boss and seniors leading my way.

I have been following this Horoscope guru whom I find really experienced. After knowing what’s coming in November, I just have to better prepare myself. She mentioned we (Sagittarius baby) will be receiving a lot of weird cases (which is true, I have been encountering quite number of odd jobs), having trouble to sleep and have to find ways to tug oneself to sleep (which is also true). I didn’t get to sleep today, at all. Insomnia sucks! I would feel helpless at times. There’s nothing much to do except to better equip myself and let the time flows. I just need to focus on myself and do my own thing despite there might be menace at work.

It’s 7th November today and I already feel very restless. Can’t wait to end the month and welcome December- my birthday month! Hoping for well-being of myself (mental health & physical health) and no heart attacks please~

Time is Like A River

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life!

A message that strikes me when le mom shared me this quote.

Often we plan too far ahead, as if we have a lot of time, feelings won’t change or people don’t leave. We take things for granted.

2 more months before 2022 is here. I am kinda proud of myself for what I have accomplished this year, a leap of faith year indeed. Regardless my career, studies, mental health, interest (as in hobbies) and relationship, I grasp them! If you know, you know.

Little pat on my shoulder, I have done well so far, well at least my 2021 new year resolutions are on track. Will continue to work on my new resolutions. Slowly but surely…

Finding Comfortable Shoes

Well, please don’t get confused or misunderstood. Obviously, it is not a blog teaching you tips on how to find a pair of comfortable shoes here. Pretty much just a metaphor.

Hmm how do I even begin. The more I grow, the more I put myself first before others. Putting yourself first is not selfish. When your needs are well taken care of, you can give genuinely, and without expectation, that’s what I thought. I actually learnt a lot during pandemic, for example, able to acknowledge, control and deal with my emotions. I find time to decompress and recharge. Be kind to myself, and celebrate tiny milestones!

Younger Self

We used to choose pretty shoes over comfortable ones. If they are cheap, we would buy them, and then continue to buy more. We don’t appreciate, prolly throw them away after worn only a few times. It doesn’t matter if they hurt us really bad, leaving us scars or blisters. If they are super fancy or branded ones, it doesn’t matter if we really suit them, so long we are able to show off our social status among friends, they are good enough.

Older Self

Now that we are more financially independent, regardless they are cheap or expensive ones, we only buy if they are comfortable. Why spending money on something that might hurt, leaving scars or blisters on our feet? The more we grow, the better we style ourselves. We prolly have found styles which suit ourselves, be it casual, minimalist etc. We feel good when we dress well, most importantly wearing something we are comfortable with.

When we were young, we sought to please people to adore us. We change ourselves so that we fit. Fit that friend, fit that circle. Otherwise, we are loser, we are not cool friends. Been there done that. Why making ourselves miserable when life is kinda rough already?

I stay away from the circle I do not belong. I focus more on myself, my career, ambition, mental health. Or rather continue to nourish those who stay, somewhere I have sense of belonging. Prolly we are already too busy with work, life, studies, we now put more effort into those who put effort into ourselves.

I learnt that people might walk away at certain point of our lives, prolly we are chasing different things, having different values, or priorities. Don’t chase people when they walk away. I believe God puts people in our lives for a reason, and removes them from our lives for a better person. But you should know that there is difference between being ignorant and having self love.

Just had a conversation with a friend today. She was too busy that she no longer groom herself.

“Beautify yourself! Put on some make up and go out!” we (me and another friend) said to her.

“I am not dating, hence no make up. And if I put on make up, people might think I am out of my mind!” she replied.

“Actually it will indirectly affect your mood. For instance, you will feel good when you look good, boosting your confidence. You should prioritize yourself over anybody else!” I told her.

Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals or self worth.

I hope you found your pair of comfortable shoes too! πŸ™‚

Slowly but Surely…

Finally, back to office after 2 months. Apparently, it was my very first week working in the office after internal transfer. Having a million-dollar view, I finally made it, I thought. I feel so powerful standing tall after working hard from one office to another, from west to east, and now at one of the skyscraper buildings in central business district.

Though I might still be struggling with the workload, but I am sure I will push through. It’s just a matter of time. Le boss just announced some good news where we will be having bigger team, apparently the workload has spiked tremendously as compared to last year, hence with the increased staffing, hopefully we are able to close more cases at our end.

Also, I am assigned to complete a curriculum with regards to my profession within 2 years. I felt weary at first as I just submitted my assignment few days ago. I had so much sleep debt to pay back. But to think again, I am thankful for the opportunity.

The program actually serves like a management trainee program but more in AML/ KYC aspects. With the courses being heavily subsidized, I will definitely grasp these opportunities to better equip myself before reaching another new height. Totally looking forward to it! One step closer to my dream career, even better now with company providing resources and roadmap to us!

Now that I have more time on weekends, I plan to:

  • Organize meet up or virtual ones (keep it small)
  • Go for candlelight concert
  • Donate blood again
  • Complete 15 new books
  • More paintings
  • More karaoke sessions (at home lol)
  • Improve French (work on listening)
  • Practice Cha Cha (work on routines)

Slowly but surely… πŸ™‚

Love Yourself First before Falling in Love

Not falling in love yet… I am a total different person now, I feel. I am not afraid to voice out, take rejections and have more self awareness. I guess it was my damn ego last time. I now don’t put anything else before myself. I don’t want my relationship seem like a mission to complete due to reaching “age of marriage” already.

I am not looking for someone to accompany me cause I am single; some of my friends did. No comments, but I would rather stay alone. I would love to have someone that can have fun with as well as thrive for future together. Earlier, I met up with a friend, and found out he broke up with his girlfriend few months ago. From what I knew, they don’t fight, or argue. They kept feelings and never voiced out, maybe they thought it may affect their relationship, or they feel obliged to adjust to their partner. Later, the girl asked for a break up.

Communication is very important in a relationship, so that your partner knows your expectations and vice versa, even better if it is being communicated since beginning. Often, we wanted to build that ‘perfect image’ in front of our partner, being very accommodating even though at some point we might not feel comfortable about it. But, it is also important not to take things personally and always keep an open mind. We all have things we like and do not like. It would be good if we respect each others’ likings or hatred.

I think I am quite matured, so I really need someone who is on par or more mature than me. I ever doubted myself, thinking whether I am good enough. I was very unhappy, and I feel I am no longer myself anymore. Maybe I was too young, and not good in handling my emotions. But slowly, I learned that I am the one who takes charge of my emotions. Not anyone else.

I love how I am being appreciated and respected, for being able to voice out what I want or not want. I feel like everyone should have another part of his life instead of fully vested in relationship. I am not saying to have an affair. The 100% of us should comprise more than just being in relationship. Modern days now, even for women, it is important to have career to thrive, hobbies to enjoy, keeping up friendships and family matters to prioritize.

Side track a little. Tiny milestone to celebrate: I quit doing eyelashes extension, like finally! It was a thing where you don’t want to stop once you start doing it. I once thought I was not attractive enough, in need of that ABG look to boost confidence when I don’t put on make up. Slowly, I accepted who I am, and obviously I am happier now. I no longer worry that I am not able to meet my friends when I don’t have 13mm eyelashes on me.

Darn insecurities, bye!

Learning to Stop Being Hard on Myself

I had a panic attack last last weekends. My heart pounded so fast and I couldn’t sleep. Dramatic yet real. One moment, I was so excited about my purchase from Zara, next second, I started feeling anxious and having many thoughts running in mind. I was reluctant to sleep, thinking the moment I wake up, I will need to face the reality, going back to work again. Revenge bedtime procrastination, they said.

I had been dreading to work for the past week, mostly feeling fatigue and worrying if I couldn’t manage my work. Prior to joining new team, I pretty prepped myself it wouldn’t be easy, but somehow, deep down inside, I guess I wasn’t ready. I burst out crying on Monday night. I don’t feel like telling anyone about it, but I desperately need to talk it out, and since the only person who knows me best is myself, so I did a self talk. I talked and listened to my worries. It might sound weird, but somehow it works well for me.

I voiced out my concerns, and realizing I actually don’t hate my job, just that I have been pressurising myself to perform well. So ironic right, I expect my performance to be on par as I was in ex team, a place where I worked for more than 2 years. Knowing the reason of being anxious, I can then better manage my emotions. I told myself, I would be fine after some time, gradually picking things up and sharpening my skills. You can’t fly if you don’t learn how to walk, I thought.

I felt so much relieved, most important thing is I manage to sleep peacefully after that. I started penning down my workload, so as to prioritize whichever gonna due soon. I pace myself by doing things slow but progressively. Not to mention, I am handling a lot of backlogs as the team was down with manpower after two staff left.

Guess I felt pressurized, mainly thinking I couldn’t meet expectations. I am no longer a fresh graduate, not a newbie at work anymore, where seniors used to take good care of me most of the time. I am hired with expectations, and specific knowledge, skills, and have to work my way up after some time. I thought I can’t, but apparently I can! I just need to stop being too hard on myself.

It’s okay if you are slow, it’s okay if you are not competent right now. But it’s not okay if you give up half way, or doubt yourself. I never regretted my decision till date, cause I know what I want. I knew it is just a stepping stone before I want to climb higher.

Side track, I just turned down an opportunity from my dream company- JP Morgan, it caught me off guard when I checked my inbox last Thursday night. A company where I want to be in 2 years’ time. I fit the job perfectly due to my past experience, but deep down I knew that (the position) is not what I want. Few days later, I wrote back to decline the offer and wished her (the headhunter) all the best in finding suitable candidates. But, I will definitely not stop working on what I want, even after the rejection.

Met my friends over the weekends, I talked about my concerns and they agreed I should stop being so hard on myself. You will be fine in 3 months’ time, they said. I am doing better I guess, I stop worrying, thinking I might ruin anything… I guess that’s a good sign. I wore better clothes today before started working. I used to wear pajamas all day since I am working from home. I also set up a separate workstation away from my bed, so I won’t be lazing around. It indeed made me feel better in some way somehow…

That’s the main reason why the delay on this blog. Have been struggling earlier and later focus on healing myself… for a better me. It’s so amusing that we are actually learning new stuff, and never stop discovering ourselves every other day. I believe we are so much more than who we are, just that we are not aware of yet.

What do you think?

The 5-Minute Journal #1

Today I am truly grateful for:

  • My well-being ✨
  • A roof over my head ✨
  • End the day with rain. Hmm cosy ✨

Here’s what would make today great:

  • Wear more comfortable shoes. My back and legs are in pain now, after a long shopping haul in Zara earlier. 😦
  • Wake up earlier, almost miss my bus for French lesson. I was running like hell to catch the bus just now. 😦
  • Should have bought dinner earlier, I am hungry af now. 😦

Today’s Affirmation…

  • I am grateful for what I have πŸ’–
  • I am doing well, everything is on track πŸ’–
  • I will not worry about things beyond my control πŸ’–

Here are few amazing things that happened today:

  • Able to dine in at ease after vaccination. Had pasta pairing with a glass of Chardonnay during daytime (oh how I miss it) Not to mention, I can have pasta every day, not getting bored! πŸ™‚
  • Had a call with my helper after more than a year. She is doing well with new marriage, a loving husband and two stepchildren. She has been working in her farms with good harvest, so happy for her! πŸ™‚
  • Bought 3 pants from Zara today, so sleek yet affordable. What a steal!! Can’t wait to wear it out to meet my friends next weekends. πŸ™‚
  • Slowly picking up French, I can do simple sentences, starting to recognize them too. Still working on it! πŸ™‚
  • Had a cup of iced Mocha for my caffeine dose πŸ™‚
  • Did my eyebrows shaping, so ready to be vain meeting my friends! πŸ™‚

Dramatic Work Weeks

Hmm. Where do I start? My days with the new team were super dramatic. I was first being issued quarantine order (QO) on second day at work. Oh well, I still work since I am doing fine (being healthy). Working in a quarantine hotel is indeed quiet and peaceful. No babies crying or fighting as BGM, or women yelling at the kids when I am having meetings. Very much like a business trip to me since I was mostly working on something or chilling, watching movies after working hours.

And then, I was down for two days due to side affects of second vaccination. I felt weary and uncomfortable most of the time, but I am glad I am alright now. Still not able to drink alcohols, do sports or whatsoever. But I am definitely looking forward to my dance class tomorrow. Finally, stepped out of the house yesterday after 3 weeks staying at home or quarantine hotel. Feel so good to have some fresh air outside, see people running around, buying dinners in the restaurants. What a sight right, a sight I have not seen for 3 weeks already. Sure time flies like that.

About my work… It is kinda what I expected, something I have been longing to try out despite still lack of confidence in dealing with clients, prolly the approach now is different. I used to work as admin, sales and marketing etc. but not a fraud investigator like now. I work as KYC specialist, someone who analyzes customers’ profiles, transactions, so I really need to be careful when I ask questions, not to tip off a potential fraudster or criminal. Still a little tricky on how I need to phrase my emails sometimes. Hmm.

But, I am really happy with the decision I made this year- shift of career. Something I would love to pursue. Apparently, we are encouraged to take up relevant courses, most importantly they are sponsored! Sure it is a good news to us, at least to me! Professional papers are usually expensive apart from having commitment after working hours or over the weekends. Not to mention, I prolly spent like SGD 5K on my papers these two years, my wallet is bleeding. But these papers literally brought me to where I am now, my brother said I should be thankful and education is eternal. True enough.

Aside learning processes are steep, apparently we are also overflooded with workload. However, my team members have been very helpful in guiding me, attending to my queries, so it does make it slightly easier at work. Let’s just hope I am able to pick up quick and brave through storms. I have been telling myself to be open-minded, not to freak out due to the overwhelmed workload. Pace out myself, and work on each cases progressively. I am sure I will survive. Well, I used to work in events marketing last time with multiple projects running concurrently.

Can’t wait to see how much I have grown by end of the year. Hopefully I won’t be emo or so. πŸ™‚

Mon Vaccination Experience

Today marks my day two after jabbing second dose of Pfizer. Not to mention, it is also my second day on medical leave. All I want to say is Thank God I survived. The side-effects turned out so much worse than I expected though my friend did mention about it.

Last Sunday, I was still happily eating my all time favorite- Wanton noodles for dinner while watching Olympics games after vaccination. No side effects at all, very healthy. Prepping myself to sleep thereafter, finally get back to work on coming Monday at home, no longer in quarantine hotel! Wohoo, I thought.

Woke up to muscle ache on my left arm and having chills the next day. I declared MC, so as to get some rest instead of working. Sooner, I started getting fever. I thought it gonna get better after some sleep and drinking much water (that’s what I did during my first dose). I was wrong! It was raining cats and dogs. I started getting high fever and feeling very uncomfortable. Started shivering and felt like my whole body was burning.

Things got worse when my head started aching. I climbed out of my bed for lunch, so that I can have Panadols after that. I definitely made a right choice by ordering a 10-days meal package which will be sent to my house around noon. I remember the days when I was serving quarantine order, not able to cook at home (avoid physical contact), not enough ingredients to survive for 2 weeks (can’t leave home) and expensive food delivery with limited choices.

Back to sleep again after taking medicine. Couldn’t recall how long I have slept- 5 hours? 7 hours? during daytime. Things finally got better after late afternoon, when medicine took effect. I managed to take a shower after a long day, able to walk around and study a bit. Updated mom on my status, told her I have overcome the side-effects, I survived. I really thought I gonna die for goodness sake. Don’t really remember when was the last time I had such high fever.

No more muscle ache on my left arm but still having mild fever and discomfort today. My boss asked me to take another day off to rest. I am really thankful for her. As much as how dramatic my days with the new team, she is always there checking on me. To be honest, I feel like I have someone on my back whenever I need, I should definitely work hard when I am back to work tomorrow. Haha! Guess I am good since I can joke eh. πŸ™‚

Finally, I am done with both doses, waiting for 2 more weeks to take effect officially. Can’t wait to go home, looking forward for the day I am able to travel the world again!

I Was Issued Quarantine Order!

You might not know this, but I was issued Quarantine Order (QO) under the Infectious Diseases Act for quarantine for 10 days. It all started on one fine morning, where I woke up to an SMS from Ministry of Health (MOH). I will be contacted with more information including transfer arrangements, it stated.

Just in case, you wonder what is QO:

A QO is a legal order issued to individuals who is, or is suspected to be, a carrier of an infectious disease or a contact of a person confirmed to have an infectious disease. MOH will establish if a QO should be served out in the home, dedicated Government Quarantine Facilities (GQFs) or hospitals, based on an assessment of a person’s contact history, state of health, and the suitability of the home.

I was all good in quarantine hotel with no symptoms at all. Tested negative for both Antigen Rapid Test (ART) & Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) tests in the mid of quarantine, however I am still required to complete QO.

Some tips to share:

  • Always on your Bluetooth (token or phone) as my possible exposure was not shown in Trace Together (TT) app- a tracing application used in Singapore. Likely I came in contact with Covid confirmed personnel on public transport as I was nowhere in any clusters too.
  • Always wear your mask. Never remove it unless you are eating or drinking. Shut up when you are on public transport, to avoid exposing yourself to potential carriers.
  • Don’t anyhow touch- in “Singapore slang”. Reduce physical contact whenever possible. You might not know if the person/ item is a potential carrier.
  • Walk away from those who cough or keep sneezing on public transport. Those who are ignorant, might still go out, and it’s us to protect ourselves !!!
  • Stop sharing food with others. My mind was a blank when I was issued QO without knowing any contact history or so. No records were shown in TT but big data kept with MOH which is confidential. Not to mention, I went out with a friend few days ago. But, it is then confirmed I got exposed a day after meeting her.
  • Don’t go out whenever possible. It’s tough with lesser gatherings, outings, but it is vital to stay safe. My parents totally freaked out when I told them about my QO. 😦
  • Reach out MOH proactively if you are the only one (in household) being contacted to serve QO. Rightfully, you should stay away from same household for health concerns. Driver will contact and inform you on the designated quarantine hotel and pick you up thereafter. So, pack your bag beforehand.
  • Download “Homer” from app store to update your temperature and symptoms. It is also used for your location tracing as well as health status. You might be contacted or do expect house visitations if you fail to do so. It’s a breach of act if you leave house while serving QO.
  • Bring a pack of facial masks with you as it is dry and cold in the quarantine hotel room. Always moisturize and hydrate your face, otherwise it will eventually crack and become flaky like mine. It’s darn painful!

I am truly blessed to have considerate boss, team members as well as landlady. They have been checking on my health status and asking if I am well, or need any help… Not to mention, it was my second day with new team when I first started QO. My friend even sent desserts to me. What a lucky girl! πŸ’– Also shout out to the staff where I have been well taken of during my stay. They often reach out to me to check if I need anything, send reminders for food collection and attend to all my queries. πŸ˜€

To be honest, I was quite anxious in the beginning for not knowing any details i.e. contact history, state of health (no tests taken), being traumatized if I might have Covid and spread to others, especially people from the same household. Well, life still goes on right. It’s important not to feel low when we can change nothing. I constantly remind myself how blessed I am to have a roof to stay, food on table and clean water to drink.

It was not a bad experience, but I certainly do not look forward for the experience again. Despite serving quarantine order, I thank God for the well-being for still able to work, catching up with Olympics, read book, study for my paper, write a blog, do some Tabata, attend online French class etc. Yup, I did not put my time into waste.

Nonetheless, take care and stay safe everyone xx. We shall see each other safe and sound someday! Cheers ✨

Ps. Feel free to reach out to me if you are *touch wood* being issued one too. I can share more details based on personal experience. πŸ™‚