I had a panic attack last last weekends. My heart pounded so fast and I couldn’t sleep. Dramatic yet real. One moment, I was so excited about my purchase from Zara, next second, I started feeling anxious and having many thoughts running in mind. I was reluctant to sleep, thinking the moment I wake up, I will need to face the reality, going back to work again. Revenge bedtime procrastination, they said.

I had been dreading to work for the past week, mostly feeling fatigue and worrying if I couldn’t manage my work. Prior to joining new team, I pretty prepped myself it wouldn’t be easy, but somehow, deep down inside, I guess I wasn’t ready. I burst out crying on Monday night. I don’t feel like telling anyone about it, but I desperately need to talk it out, and since the only person who knows me best is myself, so I did a self talk. I talked and listened to my worries. It might sound weird, but somehow it works well for me.

I voiced out my concerns, and realizing I actually don’t hate my job, just that I have been pressurising myself to perform well. So ironic right, I expect my performance to be on par as I was in ex team, a place where I worked for more than 2 years. Knowing the reason of being anxious, I can then better manage my emotions. I told myself, I would be fine after some time, gradually picking things up and sharpening my skills. You can’t fly if you don’t learn how to walk, I thought.

I felt so much relieved, most important thing is I manage to sleep peacefully after that. I started penning down my workload, so as to prioritize whichever gonna due soon. I pace myself by doing things slow but progressively. Not to mention, I am handling a lot of backlogs as the team was down with manpower after two staff left.

Guess I felt pressurized, mainly thinking I couldn’t meet expectations. I am no longer a fresh graduate, not a newbie at work anymore, where seniors used to take good care of me most of the time. I am hired with expectations, and specific knowledge, skills, and have to work my way up after some time. I thought I can’t, but apparently I can! I just need to stop being too hard on myself.

It’s okay if you are slow, it’s okay if you are not competent right now. But it’s not okay if you give up half way, or doubt yourself. I never regretted my decision till date, cause I know what I want. I knew it is just a stepping stone before I want to climb higher.

Side track, I just turned down an opportunity from my dream company- JP Morgan, it caught me off guard when I checked my inbox last Thursday night. A company where I want to be in 2 years’ time. I fit the job perfectly due to my past experience, but deep down I knew that (the position) is not what I want. Few days later, I wrote back to decline the offer and wished her (the headhunter) all the best in finding suitable candidates. But, I will definitely not stop working on what I want, even after the rejection.

Met my friends over the weekends, I talked about my concerns and they agreed I should stop being so hard on myself. You will be fine in 3 months’ time, they said. I am doing better I guess, I stop worrying, thinking I might ruin anything… I guess that’s a good sign. I wore better clothes today before started working. I used to wear pajamas all day since I am working from home. I also set up a separate workstation away from my bed, so I won’t be lazing around. It indeed made me feel better in some way somehow…

That’s the main reason why the delay on this blog. Have been struggling earlier and later focus on healing myself… for a better me. It’s so amusing that we are actually learning new stuff, and never stop discovering ourselves every other day. I believe we are so much more than who we are, just that we are not aware of yet.

What do you think?